A little context: Happiest Baby on the Block is a lifesaver. It really is. If you have a newborn and you haven’t read this book or watched the swaddle videos you are on crack. Do it now and save yourself hours of agony. However – soothing a cranky baby isn’t an exact science, which took me hours of agony to realize. A lifelong pragmatist, I have always relied on finding a logical solution to problems and getting to the reason why something didn’t work. The morning after a sleepless night with my 5 week old B.B, I imagine our discussion would go something like this:

M.E: B.B, I want to talk to you about what happened when we tried to implement the 5 S’s last night from Happiest Baby on the Block. I read the book, I watched the videos and I want to get to the bottom of why it didn’t work. I often like to dig into the 5 Whys to figure out the root of a problem.

B.B: Yeah, it just didn’t work. That’s your answer. Save yourself the other 4 whys. I was cranky and I didn’t like what you were doing so I screamed at you. Get over it.

M.E: But you have a cry reflex. I read all about it. I swaddled you, put you on your side, went “Shhhhh” like a mad person and did the side-rock thing. It’s supposed to be magic. It worked last time, why didn’t it work last night?

B.B: Because it didn’t.

M.E: That doesn’t tell me why

B.B: Why didn’t it work? Because I didn’t want to be swaddled last night, so I screamed instead. Too bad.

M.E: But if it’s a reflex, aren’t you supposed to stop crying if I do all those things?

B.B: I make the rules. I might decide I am hot or have to fart or don’t like how you smell so I’ll continue to scream at you, deal with it.

M.E: You are supposed to love being swaddled and instantly stop crying. Where did I go wrong? I’d like some feedback.

B.B: I might like the swaddle tomorrow. I might not. Keep trying.

M.E: All the babies in the video stop crying every time the 5 S’s are implemented.

B.B: I’m not all the babies in the video. And you’re also not Dr. Harvey Karp. You might suck way more at this than he does. No offense, he’s been working with babies for 20+ years, and I’m  like #1 for you. It took you 15 goddam tries to get the swaddle blanket wrapped around me in the first place.

M.E: Fair enough.

A little context:  I was induced early, which resulted in a long labor and an even longer week of hell waiting for my milk to come in. I stupidly thought breastfeeding was a natural thing, and when the stork brought baby it also brought milk. Well, the stork brought my baby early, and brought my milk late…messing up those timeframes really pissed off B.B. We endured days where B.B screamed about every hour, from what I finally realized was starvation. While screaming at me…this is how I imagined our conversation would go, with him as my boss:

M.E: Hey B.B, I want to catch up with you if you have a minute. I know you are frustrated because you wanted the milk a few days ago, but I need to tell you I am doing everything I can to get it here…I’m eating oatmeal, I’m drinking that awful fenugreek tea from Whole Foods. I’m really doing everything I can,  but I need to be transparent with you and let you know that it’s likely going to be a few more days.

B.B: I don’t care how hard you are trying. I’ve wanted milk for over 5 days now, and I have none. We’re now on day 6. Make something happen.

M.E: Right…well, from everything I’ve read it should be here soon. I can’t give you an exact timeframe, but I’m confident if I keep doing what I am doing, drink a Guiness tonight, and continue to pump EVERY HOUR like I’ve been doing for the past 5 days, we will get the milk here and both be happy. Trust me. I need you to bear with me.

B.B: You’re not listening to me. I don’t care that you’re putting in the effort, what I care about is getting the milk. It’s already been delayed significantly, and I’m extremely upset with you. At this point, I don’t know if I can trust that you are able to execute on this job. I need to start looking into alternatives

M.E: I can’t tell you how much it kills me to hear you say that. I’ve put a lot of work into this, and I don’t want to give up. I will tell you that I have looked into some other options for you. Formula is something we could try but I really didn’t want to go there…

B.B: Wait WHAT? You have an alternative and you haven’t given it to me? What the hell is wrong with you? Put that in a bottle and give it to me now! Why are we on day 6 and you’re just telling me this?

M.E: I didn’t think formula was the best thing for you

B.B: Let’s get something clear. I’m in charge here. I don’t care what YOU think or how this impacts YOU personally. You are serving me, I am the boss, and I’m fucking STARVING. Give me that formula NOW.

M.E: I’m on it.